Emotions Running High

Don’t let anyone ever tell you that emotions and feelings carry no weight.  They are ever real and very present in your father and I.  We feel very deeply about a lot of very important things...and one of them is you. There’s something I’ve thought I always wanted to have and that was children.  I don’t remember being that little girl who always played mommy or daycare.  I do remember being a girl who planned on being a mom.  One never really finds out how passionate they are about someone or something, until it’s hard to achieve.

Growing up, I was a musician and my passion was to be the best at what I did.  I worked hard to practice my scales, my runs, the hard pieces, the easy pieces, because at some point I knew my hard work and determination would pay off.  The notes would fall into place and the sound would be as I wanted it to be.  Don’t get me wrong, there were times where I didn’t make the band I wanted to be in, I didn’t get the solo for that really cool song, and I didn’t get accepted to the music school I wanted to go to.  There were times I was frustrated with it all and wanted to quit.  I was ready to give up.  My drive to be the best though is what kept me going to achieve more.  This kind of a goal of being the best musician I could be was something I could control.  It was something that I knew had a positive outcome because I could control it.  I thought through life that with this approach I could achieve anything.  So when it came to trying to apply this process to trying to have a kid, I had a real big rude awakening.

I mean a man and a woman know what needs to get done in order to have a child.  They call that the birds and the bee’s talk.  You have plenty of time before you need to EVER {EVER} be worried about that.  I’m going to volunteer your father for that talk!  Sorry babe!  Love you!  😂.  When you have a goal like this, trying to conceive, sometimes things and scenarios are something you just cannot control.  We’ve been through the ups and downs of everything from changing diets, to working out, to having to “do it” on a schedule...and boy does THAT take the romance out of the whole process.  It's also really hard to understand how to achieve a goal when you are dealing with the science of your body...and bringing a doctor into the picture.   It became an even harder goal that made us feel like we were just drops in the ocean and there’s no land in sight....it was so isolating.

Looking back on the four rounds of IUI that were not successful in trying to get you...there were so many highs and lows.  So many days and nights of me and your dad trying to process what exactly we were going through.  I was being pumped with so many hormones and HCG trigger shots, that I was all over the place.   See, my body has never naturally processed pregnancy hormones at a normal rate and all of a sudden I gave it all the hormones in about 5 seconds.  My body couldn't figure out if it was supposed to be shaking from all the energy or if I was supposed to be crying because I saw someone being a nice driver on Dodge Street.  {it’s a rare sighting...trust me!}.  Anyways, these emotions I had from all the hormones I was taking had me on a wild roller coaster.  And your poor father...he had to deal me being hopped up on hormones!  Wowza!!! 😳

But the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to deal with were right after we had the IUI procedures.  We waited two weeks to take a pregnancy test...only to find out each time, it was negative.  Baby G...this happened four times.  I can look back at it now and say, “You just weren’t ready to meet us yet.”   Knowing that we weren’t pregnant was another confirmation that our own bodies, for whatever reason could not get pregnant...even with the modern medicine we have today.  And yet while we’re going through this emotional roller coaster over here, we’re watching our friends have ‘surprise’ babies and multiple babies, which lead us to question even further........ WHY US?!?!!? and WHEN IS IT OUR TURN???!?!  Yes, sometimes we screamed it.  We had to!  We were so fed up with the disappointment of not getting pregnant that it just became too much and we needed to let it out.

So here I am today, Thursday September 26, 2019.  The day has been a confirmation that going to Colorado for the next big step to get to you IS going to happen.  It’s another day that recalls all the previous emotions I have about the doctors appointments we need to go through, the lab work that will need to be done, the long conversations and meetings we will have with our fertility team, the financial component to this all and all the emotions from every previous procedure and experience along the way are back up top again.

It is this exact moment that I'm writing you that I am reminded that through all this experience, God has been on this journey with us.  We have found ourselves in the arms of friends and family to be there when we needed them.  We have relied on Him to get us through the darkness and the light of this journey.  He is preparing us to be ready for when you're ready to be ours.   He is so awesome!  I'm sure to some extent, you already know how awesome God is!!  There is a new motivation now that exists deep in me to keep going until you are in our arms.  I know there are more highs and lows days to come.  The journey is far from over, but I and your father will do our best to stay strong and ever faithful in our Lord that he has a plan for us.

Psalm 39:12 - Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry;
hold not your peace at my tears! 
For I am a sojourner with you, a guest along the way.  AMEN."

Some little things for the end of this entry today...

• We are four days into Fall and the weather this evening has been wonderful.  
• I've been creating this entry from the Cleveland House with all the windows open tonight.  It's finally cooled down at night into the 60's to have the windows open all night.  
• There is a sweet breeze blowing with the possibility of thunderstorms overnight into tomorrow.  

Love,
Your Mom  {<--YAY!!!}